What Would Jason Voorhees Do?
Contest Hosted by Joe Crowe
Today's Dilemma: What's the best way to get teenagers
to choose abstinence from sex?
First, a musical interlude:
Dammit! That's the music left over from the LAST WWXD!
I could just KILL somebody!
Nonono! That's SHAFT!
Benny Hill?! Come on! I mean....hey. Wait. That kinda works!
The following letter writer sent this entry, but then he heard a noise
and went to investigate...
The words "teenagers" and "sex," of course, make Jason go farther off the deep
end than he already is, and he slices the poor sap who dared ask the question.
I think the poor bastard couldn't get any himself when he was just a zit-faced
little psychopath. Not a matter of choice for him.
(Tchh tchh tchh... haaa haaa haaa...) (firstname.lastname@example.org)
And now, the wisdom of Mr. Voorhees:
I show them my face and tell them it's an STD. (Your_mail_name_here@yahoo.com)
I don't know; all I had was Vicious Axe Murdering, but that certainly
hasn't worked yet. (email@example.com)
I would do one of two things:
1) Take off my mask and reveal my true identity (Gene Simmons)
2) tell them that teenaged sex leads to ugly babies, and then show em a picture
of Chucky. Little bastard took my whole audience AND he got to bang Jennifer
Tilly...well, so did a lot of other people...I'm just pissed now. Ugh,
I need a Michelob and a bag of pork skins. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I've found that it's impossible to stop them from having sex. That's why
I prefer to stop them DURING sex. (email@example.com)
Wait until they are about to have sex. Kill them before they can. Do this for
a while. Sell the movie rights for I to IX to Satan for bionic upgrades bought
from Lee Majors on Ebay. Donate profits from X to Planned Parenthood. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Well, obviously, first off is an extremly detailed description of the
possible consequences of sex, even with proper protection, including the myriad
of nasty diseases and the all-dreaded slasher flick career killer "Pregnancy".
Further illustrate your point by roughly stabbing half the attending audience
with a rusty machete or an old arrow if you have one handy. Then spend
an enjoyable weekend hunting them down and killing them one by one for some
crime that happened decades before any of them were even born. Yeah, all
that should really teach those kids a lesson in abstinence. Sex kills,
and so do I. (email@example.com)
Go on a school lecture tour! Remember children, the only way to be sure you'll
be safe is to be the virgin. And if you disembowel people, be sure to sterilize
your icepicks, knifes, machetes, spearguns, tent spikes, hacksaws, and axes
before using them over. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Well, duh. One good axe to the back and the little bastards abstain like a sumbitch.
Well, I have some pamphlets on the dangers of coital relations, and I
can relate a few stories of unfortunate instances that I've seen around the
camp. However, I think my best bet is to dice every single teenybopper
I can find with my machete, which will drastically cut down on the number of
cases of intercourse taking place.
Here is today's wisest advice. Enjoy it with a date, in the woods, late
Well, normally I stick with the reliable methods - Chainsaws, knives, the occassional
hand grenade. Recently I began dabbling in showing 3 hour graphic health
videos on STDs. Results of course have been mixed but generally positive
and hahahahahahahahahaha (Sorry) I'm considering that method as a backup.
The only problem is, it tends to draw out the length of the movie, and
paying 20 nobodies minimum wage AND overtime is NOT in the budget. Hell, they
could barely afford to rent the Andromeda set for my newest film, and
they paid for that with a string of beads. Gotta go, we're filming numbers 15-35
this afternoon. (email@example.com)
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